The Word TOMBOY; Can We Come Up With Something Better?
by julie swanson
“Tomboy. Alright, call me a tomboy. Tomboys get gold medals, tomboys can fly, and oh yeah, tomboys aren’t boys.” Julie Foudy
I’m not sure I would’ve liked this quote as a kid, particularly the “…and oh yeah, tomboys aren’t boys” part. I wanted people to think I was a boy then.
But I like the quote now. Because now I see that a large part of what made me so anti-girl, well, that’s exactly what’s wrong with the word tomboy. Why do we have to define a strong, independent-minded girl in terms of ‘boy?’ Boys don’t own the qualities that make a girl a tomboy.
Don’t get me wrong, I like the word tomboy. As I wrote on my ‘About’ page, there’s a certain nostaglia in it for me. I took pride in being called a tomboy, having people recognize that I was different than most other girls, typical girls, normal girls. Whatever that is. But in my mind I thought I knew. I had a definite idea of what a normal girl was. She was weak, a sissy, she occupied herself with frivolous things. She was touchy, giddy… But I see now, as an adult finally, the error in my thinking, the twisted conceit. There’s a paradox in thinking that you’re better than all other girls, when your whole reason for feeling that way is because you think your gender is so inherently inferior that you want to dis-identify with being a girl altogether. I mean it’s like you feel so inferior as that, that you pretend you’re not that, and that you’re better than those who are (and are at least honest enough to own up to and accept who they are, what they were born as!). You’re feeling superior because deep down inside you feel inferior. You turn your back on your own kind and say, Yeah, you’re right, Guys, girls (other girls, not me, I’m different) they aren’t anywhere near as good as you, …or me, because I’m like you. Anyway, I see now that part of the whole problem, part of what got me hating being a girl way back when, was that I felt I had to deny that I was a girl, that I had to define myself in terms of a boy. And the word ‘tomboy’ perpetuates that. So I see what’s wrong with it. And it would be great to find another term to replace it.
Words are important. And the origin of the word tomboy makes little sense. The meaning of the word is not at all clear. Well, the boy part is pretty clear, but Tom, tom+boy? Seems some combination of girl and boy would be more appropriate– like suzyboy or sallyboy.
Steve suggests Strong Girl, but that doesn’t sit right with me because it brings up the image of a tough Amazon-woman type girl flexing her biceps for the camera. Not all tomboys are physically strong or tough. There are frail nature-girls who aren’t afraid to get dirty and muck around in nature looking for frogs and toads and snakes and crayfish, tender-hearted critter-loving tomboys who tend to birds with broken wings and orphaned baby mice. Girls who aren’t afraid to touch a worm but can’t stand to put the hook through the worm or the minnow’s back when fishing. There are athletic tomboys who are great at sports and enjoy them and are aggressive on the field or court, but who also love painting their nails and dressing up and looking feminine when they’re not competing. There are wee little girl explorers, and, yes, there are tomboys who wouldn’t be caught dead in pink and want to look as boyish as they can. And there’s everything in between. There are as many different kind of tomboys as there are anything else.
A tomboy could be aggressive, or simply assertive, or shy but determined. She might be hyper, fiesty, dramatic, calm and stoic, meek and mild, seemingly confident, cocky or insecure. Temperament varies widely. The only way that all tomboys are the same is that, in some way, they consistently exhibit behavior(s) that are more the cultural norm for boys. Given the great variance in these girls, and this one general way that all tomboys are the same, it’s perhaps understandable that the only term we’ve come up with to describe them includes the word boy! But can we not at least put some girl word in there? Girlboy? Boygirl?
I also think most tomboys are rather independent, because in order to be tomboys, they have to rebel a bit against the cultural norms. Rebelgirl? Wildgirl? There are many rebellious girls who are not at all tomboyish, though…
And terms such as Tree-climber, Nature-girl, and Sporty-girl, they’re too specific. We need a blanket term to replace tomboy, something girl-power-ish, but the whole notion of Girl Power always kind of turned me off, too, sounded too much like we were being cheerleaders for ourselves. It sounds puffed-up and braggy to me, makes me think girls-against-the-boys, girls-are-better-than-boys, and that isn’t true either.
I kind of like Wildgirl but it has the same problem as Rebelgirl… How about Wildergirl? Wondergirl. Freespirit, Freespirette. Freefilly. Indylass. SheKid…
Any ideas, anyone?
Julie A. Swanson 
I LOVE this article!! I was a total Tomboy growing up. I just read that the word tomboy is first recorded from 1553 to mean a “rude, boisterous or forward boy”. So, originally tomboy meant a boy! “Tom” had long been used as nickname for a male and a tomboy was a boy who was especially “boyish” – a bundle of restless energy. But once coined, the meaning of tomboy quickly developed – next to mean “a bold or immodest woman” and then to mean “a girl who behaves like a spirited or boisterous boy”. That’s the strange history of tomboy (which is probably now politically incorrect).
But what about Tomgirl? Some people say its the same thing, except that the girl still dresses femininely. But that name is more right on… “tom” to represent the boyish part without saying it and “girl” to own up to and embrace our identity.
BTW, you article was very well written. I really enjoyed it!
I thought the same thing about Tomgirl at first, but then I found two other meanings for this word (recent, not historic) which are not appropriate! Yes, the history of the word tomboy is strange. Glad you enjoyed the post.
I’ve seen the “inappropriate” comment associated with Tomboy, haven’t seen it with Tomgirl but I believe you.
Thinking of “spitfire”, what about FireGirl? If that’s not copyrighted by Hunger Games now. 😉 I’ll keep thinking.
Glad to have another brain thinking on this. Seems we could come up with something really good, but I’ve given it quite a lot of thought and yet I’m stumped.
I like the term “Wild Child” and if you want to put girl on the tail in of that well so bit it. I’m a “tom boy” and I’ve never been ashamed of it. “To Wanda” with em’ all if they don’t like it. I enjoy being strong and free. Yes, I’ve always been a little different collecting bugs and sniffing em’…making mud pies but so what! It’s why I’m a fashion designer today and don’t mind getting my hands dirty. I’m not crying like a sissy every time something goes wrong. I’m married with a beautiful husband and have a soft feminine side to me as well. So, I think I came out ok. With the scars of my tom boyishness to prove it. Who cares what other people think these characteristics are what makes you, you. It would be boring if every girl was just one way uuuuck. My husband wouldn’t have me any other way. He likes the way I am just fine…almost eight years and I’m still the one. Be you and life is beautiful…
Yes, I like Wild Child, too, except my one daughter was a ‘wild child’ (actually she and her cousin called themselves Wild Women, even at a very young age) and I don’t think of her as a tomboy and don’t think she would’ve liked being called one either. In some ways she was a tough little bugger and very adventuresome, but she loved her dresses and frilly girl stuff, fancied herself a Charlie’s Angels type. If it weren’t for her, this term might work for me as a replacement for tomboy, but… I agree, being a tomboy is nothing to be ashamed of, and my husband wouldn’t have me any other way either (I think he loves it that I can shower and be ready to go in 2 minutes!). Thanks for your comments.
Welcome. So, true…oh yeah Charlie’s Angel’s my idol’s love those girls! Used to dream about being on their adventures. This is true even though I was active, still loved those frilly dresses and design them as well. I still remember two in particular. The sheer knee length white layered one with the tie in the back, my mom had the nerve to give away! and the blue 1940’s style dress with a drop waist had little 3’D poc-a-dots on it. I’ll never forget them. Yep! It’s fun being me.
Have you notice the said angels are sexual objectified in the movies? that´s what femininity is.
I do thing you girls here should have contact with non-american cultures.I guess you have an odd idea about being a woman…Really….
I’m not sure I understand or agree with what you’re saying here. Sexually objectified angels in movies are an example of femininity? Maybe some people’s, but not mine. At least not healthy femininity. I, and I’m sure other commenters here have had contact with non-American cultures… Where are you from? I agree that I have had an odd/wrong idea about what being a woman is! That’s pretty much what several of my posts say, and I’m working to get a healthier understanding of it. So I’m not saying you’re ‘wrong’–I’m interested in anybody’s input here as long as it’s civil–I just don’t fully understand what you’re trying to say.
[…] to governmental vigour is another’s pointer that femininity stays stigmatized and undervalued. As blogger Julia Swanson points out, “there’s a antithesis in meditative that you’re improved than other girls, when your whole […]
Came here by way of Autostraddle!
This post completely. floored. me. It put into words what I had felt growing up but could not convey. I also consider myself a tomboy and always felt so different from the girls I grew up around. I felt like I was a total failure as a girl/being girly, so as a defense mechanism, I grew proud of my otherness and looked down on the type of femininity I could not embody.
“You’re feeling superior because deep down inside you feel inferior.” – YES THIS.
I am beginning to come to terms with this and trying to learn how to respect the traditionally feminine women in my life, as well as accept who I am as neither better nor worse.
Thank you thank you for writing this.
You’re welcome. It’s a weird thing isn’t it? Seems so few other females seem to have experienced this, so seems no one can understand or really relate to what I felt growing up. So I’m so excited you do, that you get it! It was an epiphany when I got it, that what I’d always felt wasn’t really what I thought it was, it was all flip-flopped from how it had felt, the pride/superiority suddenly showing itself as inferiority. Mine wasn’t so much that I felt I was a total failure as a girl, but that I saw it was so devalued that I chose not to be a girl, or at least tried to deny I was or pretend I wasn’t. And I like how you say that, “I grew proud of my otherness and looked down on the type of femininity…” I did not want to embody. I, too, have had to come to terms with this and try to respect the really feminine girls/women I’d always looked down on, as weak/trivial. I realized what a snob I’d been, and that I was no better than them. And I’ve been trying to say to myself, to any little frilly girl that might be hiding in there, “It’s OK, you can come out. I won’t bite your head off or make fun of you if you want to wear something I would’ve never let you wear before.”
“I won’t bite your head off or make fun of you if you want to wear something I would’ve never let you wear before.” Very legitimate. As a kid, I was pretty much forced to wear dresses and frilly stuff, so I currently don’t prefer them. I also wonder if I will ever veer back in that direction.
I think that my obvious awkwardness and unnaturalness from trying to present as a girly girl resulted in a great deal of anxiety over whether or not I would get positive male attention. I did not immediately, and my first and semi-permanent response was to discard traditional femininity and any stated desire for male affirmation. It took me out of the competition of being evaluated against all the other girls who were more naturally inclined. It wasn’t a happy place, but it was a place where rejection could not intrude.
I think anguished tomboys can occupy a lonely space, not quite belonging among the other girls, not fully accepted as one of the boys because of physical differences they quickly become acutely aware of.
Now that I’m an adult, it is refreshing to have people in my life who accept and appreciate all our individual differences and acknowledge that there are so many other aspects about ourselves that can connect us. There is no need to justify or explain who we are.
“You’re feeling superior because deep down inside you feel inferior.” – YES THIS.
not,it´s not.Femininity limit women and make them frivolous and men´s servers.We feel superior because we refuse this servitude.
Instead of conserning with the term “tomboy” we should ask ourselves who wins with the femininity.I am sure it´s not us,women.
What do you mean by ‘not, it’s not’? And, yes, I agree that unhealthy notions of what femininity is limits women and makes them frivolous. But I think there is a healthy kind of femininity (which I could never see or understand when I was younger) that does not limit or make us frivolous, and that if we are authentic in our natural femininity, we needn’t be limited by it, seen as frivolous, be in positions of servitude, or ‘lose.’ Femininity used to be a negative word to me, a word that made me cringe, but I don’t necessarily see it that way anymore.
Very true. Much easier being an adult tomboy. I was thinking this morning about your post and how my situation was slightly different than yours, but the end result is the same. I felt so inferior to boys/men (because I knew the world valued them so much more, even the men I loved and really looked up to did) that that’s why I rejected the idea that I was anything like the other girls–because I wanted my dad and uncles and brothers, etc. not to see me like they saw women and girls. So I put myself above other girls and women and in effect said, “I’m not like them, stupid sissies, see…” and then I did things I thought made me look tough to prove it (not cry, getting dirty, showing how strong I was, hating girly clothes and hair styles, playing boys games…). So I didn’t feel inferior to other girls (when my mom had me all gussied up, I was as disgustingly ‘princess-looking’ as any other girl, and I did get male attention for how I looked, and I hated that!); I felt inferior to boys. So I see in your situation that there’s yet another way to be a tomboy–you felt inferior to other girls when viewing yourself in ‘competition’ with them, so you denied that that was something you were even interested in competing in and acted like their whole beauty contest was a joke and that you were above that, and them. I find it very interesting to talk to people and see all the different varieties of tomboys. However it comes about, when you are an extreme tomboy, yes, it’s a very lonely place. Or it can be for a while. As a kid you can’t talk about it, you don’t understand it and don’t have the words, and even if you did, would you have dared admit it?
I very much identify with what you say above, proudly wearing the tomboy label most of my 28 years, trying to deny my femaleness altogether, seeking to prove myself better than the boys on their turf. Yet, as I ponder this now, I long for the day when the tomboy label is no longer, and for the day when it isn’t replaced with something more politically correct. Having a label at all, whether it compares boys to girls or girls to other girls or something totally different continues to build boundaries between in and out, good and bad, normal and different, creating an “us” and “them” perpetuating the who is better battle which ultimately leads to the denial of someone’s humanity. What if we let go of these ideas that we hang our identities on and see each person we encounter as a fellow human being? Of course that means that we’d all have to give up our pride of being “different”… and it might lead to a more peaceful world. And yet, though my heart says this, I know I will continue to resist what society tells me I should be as a woman by trying to outdo the men. What on earth kind of sense does that make, anyway?!
I get what you’re saying about labels, boundaries that separate, the us vs. them thing, and just seeing people as human beings instead of as what category they fit in. Because this isn’t just about gender, it’s about qualities that are often seen as masculine or feminine (like being assertive or nurturing, for example) but which we all really need to embody in order to be a whole person, whether we’re a male or a female.
You’re also right in that we spend so much of our (younger) lives trying to establish ourselves as individuals, individuating from our parents, accepting ourselves as unique instead of ‘abnormal,’ being proud that we take the path less traveled, that we don’t just conform. And then it seems as we get older, that all sort of flip flops, and we start to see where we are all really one and the same, common in our humanity, not really so different after all. It’s like we need to figure out who we are as individuals first, to see the unique ‘shape’ of the puzzle piece that we are, so that we can then know where we fit into the big puzzle of it all and become part of the whole, help complete the picture.
I know what you mean, too, about feeling like you know what would lead to a more peaceful, unified world on the one hand, but then slipping back into being competitive and prideful. Just the other day I was with a group of women (I still sometimes have a hard time in a group of all women, feel like such an outsider, have no interest in what they’re talking about) and I found myself getting uppity in my tomboy way, thinking them and their conversation trivial in its femaleness, thinking myself above it. And then I remembered, these are my friends! Still, I actually complained about them to a man later that day, and HE pointed out that women aren’t the only people who gab and that I was being sexist. So even though we know better, it’s ingrained in us still, there are remnants, and we have to fight it, be aware of when we’ve slipped back in that old groove again.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. You’re the only one who’s suggested not only getting rid of the term tomboy, but not seeking to replace it with something better (I’m not sure if PC is the right word; PC things often irritate me!) because such a term leads us to think normal/different. That would be the ideal, wouldn’t it, no one suggesting we’re weird?! But I’m not sure we’re ever going to get to that point.
senseless stuff here…femininity is opressive for women,neo-liberal feminists nowadays try to avoid telling so because it generates hugh profits for the industries.That´s way everything is “choice” and sexism is getting stronger again.
Tomboy is a women/girls who refuse to be limited to femininity,that´s not terrible,that´s not something to feel guilt about ,specially for other girls.
Sad that things are so twisted that women are pushing back to the 50´s.
Yes, a certain kind of femininity can be oppressive for women. Not sure what you mean by your second two sentences. Totally agree with what you say about a tomboy being a woman/girl who refuses to be limited to femininity. Also don’t understand what you mean by your last sentence. Maybe in your culture it seems like things are so twisted women are pushing back to the 50s, but I don’t see that from where I am, thank God. There are different types of feminism, or different approaches to it. Never used to want to call myself a feminist, still don’t according to some people’s definition/approach, but can’t deny I am a feminist of sorts now.
I know this is an old article, but how about “human?” Or “kid?” Maybe it was the way I was brought up, the way I think and the way I raise my kids. But to me, there is/are no “behavior(s) that are more the cultural norm for boys,” or for girls. Not really anyway. It is true that culture tries to define what is “girl” or “boy.” But we’re all human, and we should be able to do whatever our hearts desire. We’re all different and yet all the same. For me, I guess, even though I was called a Tomboy and a teacher’s pet when I was young, I just don’t get labels. Girls, boys, they are just kids, and they need to be themselves, not matter what they want to do, and not feel limited by any label. It’s interesting that people feel the need to label- and thus potentially limit- each other. Maybe what we need are less labels instead?
I agree, less labeling is what we need. We are all just humans, kids–whether girl or boy or something in between–are all just kids. But it’s human nature to categorize, and there are times when I want to be able to discuss “girls who are like I was/girls who have tendencies like I had” and to be able to do that in fewer words than that, and that’s where a single term to describe “a girl who is like I was” would come in handy. So I’m just looking for a term that makes more sense than Tomboy, that’s all. I’m sure, however, that there would be people who would object to whatever term I might come up with as well. 🙂
A girl who just happens to have boyish insterest and masucline characteristics.
Ladies, hi.
I detest the term “tomboy”. It is the most patriarchal misnomer in the English language. I am working on a paper about this very topic. This post was very enlightening for me. I’ll share my ideas on the topic as soon as I’m done.
Hi, Niloy. I’d be interested to read your paper, and I look forward to your sharing your ideas on the topic.
I really like this post. I think my view on this is pretty close to yours. It’s interesting to see others opinions. It seems over the years things have changed as to what makes a girl a tomboy. I think in the fifties one could be considered a Tomboy if they ever touched something alive that wasn’t human or had fur. Now I think society might not consider a girl who is sporty, outdoorsy or hyper a tomboy. I have wondered how I might have been if I was a kid now but I’m pretty sure not much would be different. I grew up in the eighties and was a tomboy by any definition. What I can relate to so much with what you were saying is that feeling of totally rejecting or maybe just totally not understanding anything feminine. I looked like a boy had mostly boy friends and unless someone knew me they thought I was a boy so I mostly got treated like a boy. My writing skills are not the best and I’m going off topic but I guess what I mean is that it’s wierd to see someone out there that it seems is quite a bit like me,just reading what you wrote I pretty much felt and feel the same way. I mean I hear all the time women say that they were a tomboy because they climbed a few trees haha but I have to talk to someone who anything like I was and am. I have watched some of the shows on gender identity and while I can kinda relate to the kids born as girls but are really boys as a kid I don’t think I would have wanted that ( maybe because then I would have thought I would have to marry a girl and hang out with her all the time yikes!) lol I’m joking I know that a person can be transgender and gay or anything else. I have tried to look for studies on this topic but haven’t found anything. It would be interesting to find out if it’s more of a nature or nature thing. About the the word tomboy I would like it if it could just be a brand new word like one that doesn’t have girl or boy in it. It should be a noun that’s used of the person is a big time tomboy and as an adjective if they are just have some tomboy qualities.
So a girl (that’s a tomboy) could be a xgoop ( x words are not common 👍) or a girl could be a little xgoopy
And a boy that dresses acts like a girl could be a xgilp or a boy could be a little xgilpy.
I can be a little wierd I know but seriously say those words out loud they are fun to say.
I would also be interested to read that paper I hope it gets put up here soon.
That would be great if you could share that paper I look forward to getting a chance to read it
Thanks for sharing your ideas, always good to know there is another person out there who can relate to the extreme tomboy thing. I’ve been watching the shows and reading all the stuff out there on gender identity with great interest, too, and feel the same way that you do in that while I can really understand and have sympathy/empathy for that terribly awkward and uncomfortable feeling of not feeling quite right being a girl/boy in the way that you know you’re expected to be, I didn’t ever want to become a boy, to transition or anything like that, felt I already was half boy–or more–and that I’d just always have to live as this strange physical and psychological mixture of boy and girl that I felt and sometimes even still feel I am!
This is one very relatable article. I was/am still a “tomboy” and my daughter is, too. I am wondering when a better name will surface!! I currently call her my ungirly girl, but I’m struggling to think of something more fitting.